Malcolm Turnbull has announced his Coalition government will attack climate change by firing a coal-fuelled rocket at the sun.
The Prime Minister says the rocket attack should move the sun further away from Australia and reduce temperatures by several degrees. Failing that, the rocket will simply blow up the sun and put an end to global warming once and for all.
“Both scientists and climate sceptics agree that the destruction of the sun would substantially reduce global temperatures.”
Mr Turnbull has confirmed that Australia’s climate change rocket will be powered by clean coal technology as alternative energy sources, such as solar, are too unreliable.
“I’m a believer in what works,” says the Prime Minister. “Rockets have been powered by coal since George Stephenson’s day.”
Climate change rocket plan a win for conservatives
In a pointed remark to critics of the plan, Mr Turnbull has emphasised that the time for talking is over.
“To keep arguing about whether climate change is man-made or not is missing the point.”
“The thing that is warming our planet the most is the sun.”
“It’s time for direct action.”
But behind the scenes, Mr Turnbull is said to be less bullish about the merits of a coal-fuelled rocket attack on the sun. Nevertheless, the climate change rocket strategy has strong support within the conservative wing of the Coalition.
“The PM realises he has to bow to the party room on this one,” says a Coalition insider.
“The best thing to do in a crisis is to put a rocket up whoever’s responsible.”
“In this case, we’re gonna put a bloody big rocket up the sun!”