After pledging resources to fight IS in Iraq, the Australian government has extended its commitment to tackle the mysterious IT network.
“I don’t know a lot about IT,” said Prime Minister Tony Abbott, “but I think it stands for International Terrorism.”
“From what I’ve been told, most of the people attracted to IT are young men with antisocial tendencies.”
“They want to impose changes upon society and they have access to all sorts of dangerous technology. Like metadata – whatever that is.”
Mr Abbott said that IT is believed to be the prime driver behind a worldwide international terrorist network – or InTerNet.
“Anyone who has read a newspaper will know that all the problems in the world at the moment are due to the InTerNet.”
“Even in Australia, a small group of dangerous individuals are turning to this InTerNet to try and bring down my democratically elected government.”
Australia declares war on InTerNet
Mr Abbott said his government would do everything in its power to ensure the InTerNet never operates effectively in Australia.
As a first step, Australian law enforcement officials have been given special powers to arrest and prosecute anyone involved in IT recruitment organisations.
The Prime Minister also confirmed that the army will be sent into Australian schools.
“I was shocked to learn there are children as young as five being taught that IT is the way of the future.”
“I didn’t use a computer at school, nor did my father. Or my father’s father.”
“Obviously, sending armed troops into Australian schools is a drastic step.”
“However, everyone’s unborn sons will thank me for putting an end to the menace that IT and the InTerNet poses to the stability of the free world.”
The Tunnel are satire writers from Australia. For more of our stories, click HERE.
If you like what you’ve read, subscribe to our blog by email (it’s free!)