Campbell Newman proposes new standard of proof for Queensland courts
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Everybody knows the legal system doesn’t work
(Image from Wikimedia Commons)
“Concepts such as ‘innocent until proven guilty’ and ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ are well and truly past their use-by date,” said Mr Newman. “Everybody knows they just don’t work and are slowing down the legal process throughout the state.”
Mr Newman said that courts should instead adopt a simpler and more emotionally satisfying ‘everybody knows’ principle.
“Take the bikies,” said Mr Newman. “Everybody knows that bikies are crooks. If it’s good enough for everybody, it should be good enough for the legal system.”
Mr Newman said that a change to the standard of proof would result in shorter, less expensive trials and ensure that people that everybody knew were criminals could be locked up quicker.
The Queensland Police has given its support to the Premier’s proposal.
“You have no idea how much time and effort goes into gathering evidence to prosecute people that everybody knows are guilty,” said a police spokesman. “The introduction of an ‘everybody knows’ standard of proof would free up officers to undertake more value-added policing duties, such as imposing speeding fines and finding drunk drivers to roll.”
Unsurprisingly, civil libertarians have criticised the change to the standard of proof, calling it ‘an outrageous attack on the fundamental principles underlying every civilised legal system in the world’.
However, Mr Newman has laughed off such claims, saying that ‘everybody knows’ civil libertarians are left-wing ratbags who should move overseas if they are so unhappy living in Australia.
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Article 7 in the un humans rights act: ALL ARE EQUAL BEFORE THE LAW and are entitled WITHOUT ANY DISCRIMINATION to equal protection of the law. All are ENTITLED TO EQUAL PROTECTION AGAINST ANY DISCRIMINATION in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.
disgraceful
Um… Satirical news article, guys.
How ridiculous. .speak for yourself Mr Newman. .I don’t know. .so how does that count as “everybody knows”. ..????????
Everybody knows your a f*** wit so maybe you should f*** off Newman!
You guys do realise that this is a joke right?
People are too stupid to understand what Satire is.
You are doing real damage with this.
It’s not your fault. People are just inherently dumb.
So that means Campbell Newman would go straight to jail?
Uh, thanks for that! I took it as gospel, and knowing Mr Nonuts, this would be entirely within his scope of thinking.
Amused.
God damn it these fluoridated zombies are gullible. See:
well everyone knows that police are corrupt and so are the politicians so accordance with Newman’s new changes they should all be locked up!! that’s fine with me hes not doing a very good job anyway lol
A little song about Campbell Newman. 🙂
http://youtu.be/hOmO_aPF_3w
Failing to find the humor, becausr with this guy its almost plausable he’d push for this kind of law.
What? This is a satire news website? You mean Newman is just going to let the crocodile gangs run wild? DISGRACEFUL!
Everybody knows this is satire, right?
right?
guys?
anyone?
Hello everyone (especially our new readers).
Although we welcome your comments, there have been several today which have included threats of violence against the Premier based on the article above. These comments have been deleted.
A couple of observations (which are hopefully obvious to most readers):
1. The post in question is satire. Although some of you might think it sounds like something Campbell Newman might say or think, he did not actually say the things in the article.
2. Threats of violence do no credit to the writers or to people who enjoy motorbikes and/or disagree with recent Queensland legislation. Please calm down.
Cheers, everyone. Come back any time!
Thanks, Amanda. We’ve tried to spell this out too below.
By the way, everyone, you should check out Amanda’s blog – her recipes are awesome!
Bahahaha that is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen a politician say. All bikers are crooks apparently. It sounds a lot to me like saying all Jews are traitor.
But apparently everybody knows so they should be all just handled the same way according to Newman’a theory.
Oh dear dear Tunnellers. You may need to dig a tunnel and stay there until ‘everybody knows’ satire when they see it. So sad. 🙁 Ah well. Frigging hilarious. A giraffe for Premier I say!
I take offence at being labeled a crook just because I ride a bike and wear a leather vest. As commented before politicians and coppers are corrupt but they are not stopped from going into pubs, clubs, associating with their mates or whom ever they like. Has Campbell also been given a tough jail sentence because he used the public purse for travel expenses.
This bloke is a power hungry fool. Even Joh Bjelke-Petersen, didn’t go this far. I hope that all will see sense at the next state election
love it
Mr Newman states that if civil libertarians are left wing ratbags and that if they don’t like Australia they should go overseas. We’ll Mr Newman why should they be the ones to move after all your the not happy with Australia.