Wednesday 2 October
Electoral majority 59, public servants sacked 5 (trying to cut down), annoying conversations with Jeff Seeney 2, smoothies 0.
Noon. Brisbane: Parliament House. Ugh. The last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to do is go into the chamber and make some more laws. How dull.
I could kill for a smoothie. But Seeney won’t let me. Can’t believe I let him persuade our government to get tough on my favourite drink. And just so those scholars at the Courier Mail think we are doing something about bikies!
Will just have to fantasise about a mini-break with Lisa instead.
4:00 p.m. Oh God! I cannot believe it. One of my advisers says there’s a new Bridget Jones book coming out!! I love Bridget Jones!!!
Must get one of the interns to check Amazon this very minute.
4:15 p.m. Shit fuck, shit fuck, shit fuck!
The intern says that Helen Fielding has killed Mark Darcy in the new book!
She cannot do that to me!
I mean us.
Need a smoothie. Will send intern to Boost Juice immediately. Bugger the press coverage. This is an emergency!
5:00 p.m. That’s better. As in the smoothie, not my hero being dead.
You may have noticed that I have a tinch of a Mark Darcy crush. In fact Lisa says I have the worst case of mentionitis ever. Mark Darcy this, Mark Darcy that. We even host a Turkey Curry Buffet each year so I can mooch around the house in one of those awful jumpers I used to wear in Tasmania.
Lisa says it’s a bit weird but surely she gets it by now. Mark Darcy is everything I wish I could be.
He’s a defender of human rights. He loves the law. He’s really hairy.
And he’s not a member of the LNP!
And don’t think it’s the Colin Firth thing. When it comes to movies, I’m more of a Jason Statham man. And not just because Lisa says that Jason and I are dead ringers.
Other than Death Race, Jason Statham has never made a bad film. Ever. Whereas Colin Firth has made at least two shockers – those Bridget Jones films, which were not a patch on the books.
9:30 p.m. I have sorted it out. I called an emergency Cabinet meeting to see what we could do about Helen Fielding killing Mark Darcy. Was pressing for a murder charge – or at least some sort of prosecution under obscenity laws – but the Attorney-General has talked me down to just banning the new book.
Why didn’t I think of that earlier? Now, nobody in Queensland has to live through the pain of seeing one of literature’s greatest figures being senselessly killed.
In the Sunshine State, Mark Darcy lives forever.
That’s pretty catchy – must run it past Tourism Queensland tomorrow.
I am a man of action. Just like Jason Statham.
Will have one last smoothie to celebrate. Will cut down tomorrow.
For more Campbell Newman satire, CLICK HERE.