Clive Palmer’s maiden speech to parliament has ended in spectacular fashion, with the member for Fairfax being swallowed by a giant shark.
And no one saw it coming.
After a long and seemingly rambling address to the chamber, Mr Palmer launched into one of the most famous and beloved monologues of the 20th Century: Samuel L. Jackson’s final speech from the 1999 shark movie Deep Blue Sea.
“You think water’s fast?” Palmer asked the House. “You should see ice. It moves like it has a mind. Like it knows it killed the world once. It got a taste for murder.”
Turning to the Opposition benches, Palmer issued this warning.
“When the avalanche came, it took us a week to climb out. And somewhere, we lost hope.”
“And I don’t know exactly when we turned on each other. I just know that seven of us survived the slide… and only five made it out.”
“Now, we took an oath that I’m breaking now. Swore that we’d say it was the snow that killed the other two. But it wasn’t.”
Palmer belched, then continued.
“Nature can be lethal. But it doesn’t hold a candle to man.”
Addressing the chamber as a whole, Palmer made this final plea for co-operative government.
“Now you’ve seen how bad things can get and how quick they can get that way. Well, they can get a whole lot worse. So we’re not going to fight any more! We’re going to pull together and find a way to get out of here! First we’re going to seal off this-”
At which point, just like in Deep Blue Sea, a shark emerged out of nowhere to cut the speech short.
A terrified Speaker shrieked for order as Palmer disappeared inside the giant beast’s jaws.
The room fell silent.
Twitter lost its shit.
And then, slowly, miraculously, Clive Palmer emerged – unbloodied and uncowed, like a modern day Jonah – from the belly of the beast.
“Enough is enough!” he announced. “I’ve had it with these mother***in’ sharks in this motherf***in’ press gallery!”
The room exploded with applause.
A standing ovation longer than an English innings in the First Test ensued.
Twitter lost its shit all over again.
Afterwards, Palmer revealed that the robot shark was just one of the many new attractions as his resort at Coolum.
No one cared. If it was a political stunt, it was the greatest of them all.
Clive Palmer had just delivered the most memorable maiden speech in the history of Federal Parliament.
The Tunnel presents… is an Australian satirical news website.
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