In a blow to Coalition morale in the lead-up to the Federal election, a group of backbenchers has been reprimanded following a raucous team bonding session in Canberra. Although their identities have not been made public, Opposition Leader Tony Abbott said that the six individuals have been forced to apologise for their misbehaviour at a specially convened meeting this week.
“For some reason, these people thought that there was a tradition in the Coalition of males getting together in a large group and acting like tossers. Let me make this perfectly clear: the only tradition in the Coalition is balanced budgets and responsible economic governance.”
Details of the incident remain sketchy but rumours suggest that while under the influence of alcohol and the hypnotic drug, Stilnox, the backbenchers ran riot through the corridors of Parliament House, knocking on doors of female MPs and bellowing a slurred, a cappella version of Kendrick Lamar’s Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe. Mr Abbott acknowledged that such behaviour, if it happened, was “probably inappropriate”.
“Boys will be boys,” said Mr Abbott, “but I appreciate that it is not a good look, either for the party or for people who think Kendrick is the shit. I’ve taken appropriate action. Let’s leave it at that and move on.”