English cricket authorities have threatened to boycott this year’s Ashes test in Brisbane unless Queensland Cricket publicly apologises to Adele.
The boycott threat follows claims by Queensland Cricket that the recent Adele concert has damaged the Gabba playing area.
“The accusation that Adele has damaged the Gabba is extremely offensive,” said Sir Giles Thomson-Walker-Clarke of the England and Wales Cricket Board.
“Haven’t these people listened to Adele’s music?”
“Adele is the damaged one.”
“But she doesn’t complain about it. Ever. She just keeps on living her life defiantly.”
Sir Giles said that the English cricket squad – who are Adele lovers to a man – would refuse to play test cricket at the Gabba this summer unless the slur on The Greatest Living Briton was retracted.
But, as Sir Giles noted, it is not just Queensland Cricket who has been insensitive.
“Don’t think we haven’t noticed the way the Australian media keeps calling Adele one of the world’s biggest acts.”
“No one ever says that Steve Smith is one of the world’s biggest batsmen, do they?”
“Adele is normal-sized. The only big thing about her is her voice.”
Gabba Test boycott triggers unsettling phone calls
The threat of a Gabba Test boycott has already started to affect staff at Queensland Cricket.
According to one employee, Queensland Cricket is receiving numerous Adele-related calls each day.
“I pick up the phone and there’s always silence.”
“Then suddenly someone says, ‘Hell-oh, it’s me,” then they hang up.”
“It’s sort of stalky but, at the same time, it’s strangely beautiful.”
“Just like Adele.”