Cigarette plain packaging will force young people to smoke condoms.
If it sounds absurd, that’s because it is.
But this is just one of many possible outcomes if the Gillard government’s new draconian cigarette plain packaging measures are adopted. (Another is a planet overrun by apes where humanity is forced into slavery.)
Peter Pilkinson from the Tobacco Industry Alliance says that cigarette plain packaging will hurt small business.
“An independent study commissioned by us shows that under these measures it will take a corner store more that 3 hours to sell a packet of cigarettes.”
Mr Pilkinson also highlighted the health risks of cigarette plain packaging.
“Basically, if cigarettes are just in a plain box, people could accidentally smoke anything in a box by mistake. For example, an innocent young smoker could accidentally reach for a packet of cereal and try to smoke that. Or a pizza.”
“Basically anything that comes in a cardboard box could be mistaken for cigarettes – like condoms. And I for one don’t want a smoking hot condom in my mouth.”
The government’s moves have also caused concern amongst parent groups.
“I’m a parent,” said one parent.
Another expressed disgust at the government’s moves to make children smoke condoms.
“This government is trying to make our children smoke condoms,” she said. “I’m disgusted!”
(This is the first part of an exclusive 15 week investigative report for The Tunnel by our tobacco correspondent. The only hacking he does is after a packet of Winnie Blues.)
The Tunnel are satire writers from Australia. For more of our stories, click HERE.
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