It’s official: SPECTRE will be Daniel Craig’s last James Bond film.
And in news that will strike fear in the hearts of bad guys around the globe, former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been announced as the next Bond.
Bond producer Barbara Broccoli says the casting of Tony Abbott will reinvigorate the franchise.
“After Daniel Craig, we wanted to return to a more traditional James Bond.”
“We’ve been searching long and hard for a vigorous male lead who exudes a classic 1950s sensibility.”
“When Tony Abbott became free earlier this year, it was a dream come true.”
Broccoli has no concerns that Abbott might be a “one term” Bond like George Lazenby, the last Australian to play the role.
“Having worked with Peta Credlin for so long, Tony has shown he knows how to handle maniacal supervillains.”
“And importantly, Tony can nail those pithy three-word Bond lines, like ‘Bond, James Bond’, ‘Shaken, not stirred’ and ‘Stop that boat’.”
In the next Bond film – which has the working title, On Her Majesty’s Public Service – Agent 007 will do battle with enemies within Her Majesty’s own government.
In a change from fighting Russians and terrorists, Tony Abbott’s Bond will instead do battle with scheming public servants, evil trade unions and fanatical advocates of renewable energy.
Internet leaks suggest the action-packed final showdown will take place at a secret giant wind farm complex.
The Tunnel are satire writers from Australia.