Proving that his powers of persuasion remain undimmed, former Labor Prime Minister Paul Keating has resolved a Brisbane schoolyard dispute with the help of his famous Redfern speech.
The dispute began when two fourteen year-old girls each claimed the authorship of a love letter to Justin Bieber. Alixa Murkinstapf, a straight A student, had written the three-page missive at the request of her less articulate classmate, Candeece Smith. After a reply from Bieber – in which he hinted that he would love to get it on with the writer – each girl boasted that it was she who had communicated directly with the teenage heartthrob.
When the resulting catfight spilled onto Twitter, Mr Keating launched into action.
Dressed in a Zegna double-breasted suit, the 79 year-old flew to Brisbane, marched onto the school premises and confronted the two girls directly. He explained that their dispute was the same as his long-running argument with speechwriter Don Watson about the authorship of the 1992 Redfern speech. Whereas Alixa (like Watson) may have written the words, the sentiments of the letter and the core of its authority and authorship (like with Keating) came from Candeece. Thus, explained the Labor elder statesman, Alixa could bloody well sod off to her books and let Candeece get it on with Bieber whenever Queensland’s age of consent laws allowed.
To reinforce his point, Mr Keating then recited the Redfern speech in full.
Startled observers estimate that by the conclusion of the oration as many as a thousand spellbound youngsters were gathered around the former Prime Minister. In the ensuing question and answer session, Mr Keating urged those present to dress more appropriately, to get a job and to piss off that clown Abbott when they were old enough to vote. Mr Keating then declared the following day a school holiday and marched off to press the flesh at the school administration block.
As Mr Keating was later heard to say to the school principal: they don’t make Prime Ministers like they used to.
Want more humour in your day? Visit this week’s link-up for I Must Confess at My Home Truths.