Royal Commissioner in trouble for Nick Kyrgios sledging

The Labor Party has called for the head of the Royal Commission into trade union corruption to stand down after he was caught on tape sledging like Nick Kyrgios.

According to a recording obtained by Fairfax Media, Justice Dyson Heydon can be heard muttering to a departing witness at the Commission:

Tony Abbott banged your girlfriend. Sorry to tell you that, mate.

Opposition Leader Bill Shorten says members of trade unions are completely unused to such offensive behaviour.

“There is no place for that sort of language in a court.”

“Except maybe a tennis court.”

But Prime Minister Tony Abbott has returned serve.

“It’s not Justice Heydon’s fault. It’s Nick Kyrgios’s fault.”

“What Nick Kyrgios needs to understand is there’s a lot of people out there who look up to him and are going to copy what he does.”

“In this instance, it happened to be the head of the Royal Commission into union corruption.”

The Prime Minister added, “And just for the record, I probably didn’t bang anyone’s girlfriend, as flattering as Justice Heydon’s remarks were.”

Australia afflicted by Nick Kyrgios sledging epidemic

Defenders of Justice Heydon have noted that he is not the first public figure to be in trouble for Nick Kyrgios sledging.

“There’s an absolute Nick Kyrgios sledging epidemic going on,” said sledging expert, Professor Andrew “Fuck You Too” Warner.

“The current disunity within the Australian cricket team, and with their wives and girlfriends, is all due to Nick Kyrgios sledges.”

“On the set of The Voice, Delta and Jessie J are sledging like Nick Kyrgios too.”

“And, of course, there are a helluva lot of Nick Kyrgios sledges coming from Nick Kyrgios.”

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