American rapper A$AP Rocky played Brisbane recently and there is a hugely entertaining review of the show by Jann Angara in Time Off magazine (and on The Music website).
A$AP Rocky is a rather confident fellow who has been criticised for his attitude to women and perceived misogyny. A bit like Tony Abbott, you might say.
Which gave us an idea. What if we took the aforementioned Jann Angara review and changed all the A$AP Rocky references to Tony Abbott and Coalition ones.
Imagine, if you will, Tony Abbott before the Coalition faithful on Election Night…
Lights brighten to a roar as Joe Hockey, Julie Bishop, Andrew Robb and Barnaby Joyce take their stations. Smoke machines are turned on full blast as that “pretty motherf***er” flow is heard from backstage. Finally, Tony Abbott cool and calmly walks out, all blacked out with classic blue tie, busting through Real Solutions as the entire venue gravitates towards the stage. He takes time to soak up the glory and even approaches the mosh to shake some reaching hands.
After the front bench and strobe lights go mental for Lower Taxes, Lower Debt, he stops to ask “Who here smokes weed?”, immediately getting a joint thrown at him and a lighter soon after. Without any hesitation he sparks up, which has everyone following suit for the lengthy singalong intro to Stop the Boats. He puts his shades on as Coalition backbenchers join the party, mirroring the crowd’s energy as they jump all over stage. And as if security wasn’t already in semi-panic mode at the riot-level energy, he asks for “crowd surfing and titties” before exploding into NBN Credibility Gap. Malcolm Turnbull breaks the insanity with some cool down jazz as tonight’s headliner himself throws out bottles of water and towels while smiling his gold teeth at the parched crowd, before igniting the vibe again as he jumps all over the speakers for Direct Action.
After some crowdsurfing drama has punches thrown, Abbott stops the show to save a voter from getting kicked out before getting into an instructional “We run this!” speech, opening up the floodgates as people surf their way to the pit for a few moments onstage with their hero. Soon bikinis and boobs are clambering their way to the front, and are even jumping off the balcony to join the party. Abbott even opens his mic for some local freestyle then smilingly takes it back for some old school tracks after the hated Kevin Rudd gets heckled.
The night continues on as a rave rather than a concert as more people join the mob onstage; lighting visually hypes, surfing continues and the band maintains that explosive sound for Labor’s F**in Problems and Make the Bludgers Work. Abbott leaves his mic and lets Joe Hockey take over as he dives straight into the crowd and continues to party there for the rest of the night.