Frightened Australians are demanding Tony Abbott return from the wilderness to restore order to the country.
Whilst the Prime Minister has been spending a week in aboriginal communities, mainstream Australian society has been rocked by a series of unexpected catastrophes.
“Australia is falling apart and there’s no one at the wheel,” said 36 year old Brent Tenthill of Brisbane.
“Sure, there might be challenges being aboriginal but I’m the one who has to tell his daughter One Direction have split up!”
Retirees who have invested heavily in the stock market so they can travel to see One Direction have also been stung by Tony Abbott’s absence.
“Without Tony around to steer the economy, my portfolio has halved its value,” said 61 year old Mervyn Cast.
“And it’s not just me who’s been affected.”
“My neighbour who bets on rugby league lost thousands on the weekend when Tony’s team Manly somehow lost to Parramatta.”
And the longer Tony Abbott is away, the stranger things are getting.
“When you see Joe Hockey pushing for a republic you know things have gone absolutely insane. Come back Tony! NOW!!!” tweeted Malcolm Turnbull.
Tony Abbott away – leadership secure
Political strategists have labelled Tony Abbott’s self-imposed exile a masterstroke.
“Abbott’s week in the bush has put an end to the leadership speculation once and for all,” said politics wonk Rex Shummerbunt.
“The Prime Minister has told his Liberal colleagues all along that Australia will be stuffed without him.”
“And the events of this week show he is absolutely right.”
The Tunnel are satire writers from Australia. For more of our stories, click HERE.
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