Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has welcomed news that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a new royal baby.
Mr Abbott was also quick to assure Australians that he was not the child’s father.
“People across the country were delighted to welcome the Duke and Duchess and young Prince George to our shores earlier this year,” said Mr Abbott.
“No one more than me.”
“Obviously I spent a lot of time with Princess Catherine, who we all know is a very attractive woman and a consenting adult.”
At this point, Mr Abbott appeared to wink to the assembled press (although the Prime Minister’s Office later advised he has no specific knowledge of this.)
“Now that Kate is pregnant after her visit to Australia, a lot of people will try and draw the dots about who the father is.”
“I want to clear the air at the outset by saying that it’s not me.”
The PM’s announcement sent the room of journalists into immediate uproar.
When asked why he had raised the issue of the royal baby’s parentage, Mr Abbott stood motionless for thirty seconds before responding.
“Um, look, I’m sure Prince William is a great bloke.”
“Well, um… there was a lot of… speculation about who the real father of Princess Diana’s second child was.”
“Obviously, this one is a second child too. Er…”
“I’ve been involved in cases of confused paternity and…”
“Thank you, I think I’ve answered your question. I think it’s time to move on.”
The Prime Minister then moved on by striding quickly out of the press conference.
The Tunnel are satire writers from Australia. For more of our stories, click HERE.
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