Tony Abbott’s daughters to play AFL final

In a coup for the AFL, Australia’s hottest female act – Tony Abbott’s daughters – will appear live before this weekend’s Grand Final at the MCG.

Fresh from triumphant appearances across the country Louise, Bridget and Frances Abbott will join a stellar pre-match entertainment line-up, which also features Australian rock band Birds of Tokyo playing a footy version of 1927’s Compulsory Hero.

Minister for Women’s Affairs, Tony Abbott, said that the programming of his daughters as pre-match entertainment was “a great step forward for the weaker sex”. Mr Abbott added that it was the first time a group of women had played the AFL Grand Final since Port Adelaide were walloped by 119 points in 2007.

The details of the Abbott daughters’ act remain a tightly kept secret. Although Frances and Bridget are experienced performers – having sung and twerked at the Coalition’s 2013 Federal Election launch – eldest daughter Louise is an unknown quantity on stage.

Internet forums and Twitter are abuzz, however, with rumours that Louise Abbott has mastered a “bass face” freakier than that of Este Haim.

The Abbott patriarch refused to be drawn on that one.

“To be honest, I’m sick of the comparisons between my daughters and Haim.”

“Obviously, they’re both a group of sisters and they both have a lot of sex appeal. But, as far as I know, Haim have never played an AFL Grand Final.”

“Come Saturday, my little girls are going to do something that will make this father – and every man and woman in this country – incredibly excited.”

The Tunnel presents Australian political satire with a Queensland focus. You can find us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter or subscribe to our blog by email.