In the lead-up to the 2013 Federal election, The Tunnel’s team of guest bloggers will be providing their personal insights into the contest.
Today, working mother, jeggings ambassador and passionate spleen-venter, Slapdash Mama, looks at what the political parties are offering the families of Australia.
There’s an election on the horizon and all over Australia aspirational voters are scratching their heads and wondering “Who do I vote for?” and “What do the major parties STAND for?” or even “Them politishins don’t never even listen and I hate taxes and immigrants so I wouldn’t never vote anyway unless it was for Angry Anderson! Footy.”
Fair point, well made, sir!
To help the addle-minded voters of this great nation, the mysterious faceless individuals behind The Tunnel have asked me to have a look at the policies for that most demanding of demographics, the beleaguered battlers, the WORKING FAMILIES of Australia.
Everyone in the mainstream media is blathering on about Paid Parental Leave blah blah, like that is the most important issue for new parents.
The major parties have a plethora of policies that nobody knows about!
Luckily I am here to dig deeply, to reveal the REAL issues, the BIG STUFF working families really care about.
- Understanding that new parents have agitated for free assistance in Not Going Insane and Keeping It Together for years now, the ALP has finally come to the – ah – party and announced 18 weeks of free coffee for new parents. Under the ALP scheme, parents can choose from International Roast or Moccona.
- Labor is responding to deep concerns in the community regarding the proliferation of inappropriate baby names by introducing a Commission for the Review of Dodgy Baby Names. Under the scheme, every parent using fo-nett-ik spelling for their child’s name can be fined and forced to undertake community service.
- The ALP promises that Kevin Rudd will personally take a selfie with each child born in Australia if he is reinstated as Prime Minister. A big call some might say! Rudd claims to be equal to it and I for one believe him.
- The Coalition have also responded to exhausted new parents worried about coffee prices with the “Babycino Bonus” – a 26 week package of full price espressos up to $5.00 and limitless babycinos for children under 5.
- The Coalition are committed to legislating compulsory Date Nights for new parents, with a subsidized babysitting service funded from a 1.5 per cent levy on company taxable income over $5m.
- Tony Abbott has promised triathlon training will be provided to all new mothers so they can whip back into shape ASAP and regain their pre-baby “sex appeal”.
- The Greens are offering a free ALDI coffee pod machine to all new families, with a complimentary eco-friendly reusable Keep Cup thingie for each adult.
- Showing a deep support for the undervalued workforce thanklessly supporting new parents everywhere, the Greens are set to waive HECS debts for café baristas for each year they are employed.
- A ban on junk food ads on children’s television and compulsory inclusion of quinoa and green smoothies in school tuckshops as part of their package for family support.
- Free copies of “Dirt Girl World” to be included in all maternity hospital sample bags.
Katter’s Australian Party
- A shiny new akubra to every new baby as long as their parents are not part of a noisy minority green group.
- End to the nanny state. All nannies to be transported to New Zealand.
- No mention of coffee at all.
Palmer United Party
- Something something something mining something something political lobbyists something something.
- Coffee? Buy it yourselves!
So there you have it. More than meets the eye, right? Don’t say nobody told you.
Now, aspirational voters and working families of Australia, unite! Get voting! Democracy! Coffee! Kids! Yeah! Awesome!
Where’s my coffee?
For more Slapdash Mama, check out her blog HERE.
You can also follow Slapdash Mama on Twitter (@slapdashmama).